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my broken wings ::health journal::

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(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2003|11:37 pm]
my broken wings ::health journal::
[mood |like a semi normal person]

i worked a 3 hour shift and make it through ok...that is huge for me right now...i only sat down once.

and i'm not even crying in pain right now either. Insted i feel good right now...big change from how i have been feeling. I slept 13 hours last night too, i'm sure that helped and i asked for prayer last night and spilled my guts cos i have been having panic attacks on a very very regular basis i almost took myself to the hospital twice this week...it takes A LOT for me to get to that point. I have been stressing like crazy though too much going on...to much family stuff...not good news either.

on a good note some of you already know but for those of you who don't i did get approved for medicaid and food benefits or did i mention that in here already i forget...meaning i can actually go see a regular dr but it is kinda screwy cos in order to keep em i have to fill out more forms and "prove" i am disabled.

anyways i really really wish i could just say that i am better and don't need their help. It is such a pain already to deal with them that i would soooooo much rather be heathy and working again
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trying to sort through when i got sick and each time when i got worse... [Oct. 22nd, 2003|10:05 am]
my broken wings ::health journal::
4th grade could remember bad manic episod ...i remember them younger then that in milder form too but that was the turning point one.

12yrs old ibs const.

as young as i can remember- depression
-anxiety and worrying to the point of throing up

high school -canada-grade9-10- tired a lot and very depressed. under a lot of stress.. when feeling socialiable i was happy and loved my friends and forgot the rest of the world for a while but even then i would sleep A LOT

highschool-after i moved to dad's got worse then is when we all think
there was even more stress at home...starting a new school...not talking to my mom anymore...
senior year started working a lot with photochemicals and more chemicals in general in the house. (my mom never used any chemicals just out of being cheep and using vinegar and water and my step mom used bleach and heavy cleaners cos she has to feel everything is "clean"). Things got real bad in college first year. my perpertrator was stalking me in the halls therefore i was under MAJOR STRESS. Plus MAJOR STRESS at home too. Started working with photo chemicals aall the time at school adn at work (work had no ventelation) and oil paints in my room w/o ventilation.
I ended up havign to be on breating treatments sometimes for asthma like symtoms and as soon as i quit the photo place i was able to quit the breathing treatments. At some point once again timeframe crap in brain doesn't work..i got mono really severe. i was also hospitalized for depression (don't know which came first the mono or the psych ward). but also they never checked my blood level when they gave me depakote...NOT ONCE. so i kinda think the mono came after cos i also got jaundice which is from your liver not functioning properly.

I have t o say there are bits and pieces of time that i don't remember to well like parts of middle school. I do remember elementary school i used to ger sever ear infections..had tubes in my ears and i remember never being able to sleep laying down completey...i had to be somewhat upright.

time that i got better i think i slowed down took time off work and time away from everything. but in my head things get fuzzy and i can't remember.

i know when i get worse is when i go the wrong direction too...stressfull event...like marriage was the last one...getting married when i wanted to say no, but feeling already stuck. and then going through a divorce and all... oh and then being in a moldy house for so long. so yea there are certain triggers that i do know about.

so yea there are many ideas i have on what could have caused or triggered it ...could be a big combo and i may never know.....
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2003|11:45 am]
my broken wings ::health journal::
I have a dr apt today with a new psych and I really would rather not go. I wouldn't mind if it was going to see my regular one but I just hate having to go through history and just meet someone new. I feel grumpy and antisocial and want to stay in bed...and I don't feel so well physically ...I never do on mondays.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2003|07:12 pm]
my broken wings ::health journal::
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |crickets]

it's about time i am finally going to bed...going to bed early???? ......um no...not really...more like ..really really late...missed a whole night
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2003|06:54 am]
my broken wings ::health journal::
er maybe i should have been good and not gone and got cofee :P
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2003|06:53 am]
my broken wings ::health journal::
the sun is coming up and i still haven't gone to bed...guess those sedatives they gave me don't work so well...heh
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I hate stairs so bad... [Oct. 16th, 2003|05:03 pm]
my broken wings ::health journal::
I need one of these
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(no subject) [Oct. 16th, 2003|12:19 pm]
my broken wings ::health journal::
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

oh my gosh i hate how many forms you have to fill out for both FIA and SS ...it's just insane.
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2003|09:45 pm]
my broken wings ::health journal::
meds are making me feel weird...and my moods seem stable for a while and then change rapidly quickly intensely. It is weird. I feel somewhat manic but stoned at the same time....i have been feeling creative but no physical energy....oh and when i do overdo it i seem to throw up ...fun fun...I'm sure i already mentioned that though...but now it seems to be several times a week. today i had a friend pick me up and run some errands ...got some papers taken care of for FIA so i have to send those in. i have to go in tomorrow and get more blood drawn...more fun....full time job of Dr apt. oh and i missed my apt for today...talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me to mention to them that they have me so medicated that i can't remember my apt...she said that's not like me....hehe
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pics of yellow living room [Oct. 7th, 2003|11:37 am]
my broken wings ::health journal::
[mood |boredbored]

My Yellow Living Room
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